The Conversation Isn’t About Me

In Ephesians 4:29 I read, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (NIV)

I should never use foul or abusive language. Instead let what I say be good and helpful, so that it will be an encouragement or blessing.

It’s important to remember in any conversation the same truth that applies to every other area of my life: It’s not about me.

If I start a conversation with my agenda, hurt, complaint, or my problem? I won’t get very far!

Every conversation should start by empathizing with the needs of the other person. What are their hurts? What are their interests? What are their fears? What are their problems?

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV).

There are four commands in today’s verse: Speak only what is helpful, build others up, defer to others’ needs, and benefit others. None of those commands are about me.

I’ll get my turn at some point and have my chance to speak my frustration or fear, need or opinion, but don’t start there.

Here’s how to start: When I sit down to the conversation, let them go first. Let them speak without any interruption. Don’t ask questions. Don’t ask for clarification. Don’t challenge what they say. Take notes if needed. But just let them speak. That shows I’m aware. That shows I’m paying attention. That shows I care.

There’s another way to show I care: Summarize what the other person said. Repeat back what I think I heard. Paraphrase what I heard them saying so that they can affirm or correct me and maintain healthy communication. This shows them that I cared enough to listen and also to make sure they were understood. It’s a powerful way to show love in any relationship.

It’s human nature to want to focus on myself. But the sign of a master communicator is having enough humility to make the other person the focus of the conversation and make them feel heard and understood.

In summary, don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of me. Speak only what is helpful for building others up, the kind of things that may benefit them. It’s important to remember it’s not about me. If I start a conversation with my agenda, I won’t get very far! So start the conversation by empathizing with the needs of the other person. There are four commands in today’s verse that are helpful reminders: Speak only what is helpful, build others up, defer to others’ needs, and benefit them. I’ll get my turn at some point, but don’t start there. Let them speak without any interruption. That shows I’m aware and paying attention. Summarize what the other person said. Then let them affirm or correct me. This shows them that I cared enough to listen and also to make sure they were understood. Have the humility to make the other person the focus of the conversation and make them feel heard and understood.

Father, I thank you for this reminder and ask that with the help of the Holy Spirit I can be reminded of this as I seek to live my life with integrity, humility, generosity and service. I do want to make a difference in the lives of others. I ask you for wisdom and guidance for my day, my work, my leadership and my conversations. These things I pray through your Son Jesus’ name, amen.