Beyond the Surface: The Power of Inquiry - Why Asking Great Questions Can Make Me a Great Listener

“A person’s thoughts are like water in a deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out.” Proverbs 20:5 (GNT)

One of the clearest signs of a great listener is when someone knows how to ask open-ended questions.

To really engage someone in conversation, I'll need to stop asking questions that only require a “yes” or “no” answer. Those questions won’t get me anywhere! Instead, I have to start asking open-ended questions that allow someone to really share beyond a one-word answer.

For example, instead of asking, “Did you enjoy the concert?” I could say, “What was your favorite part of the concert?” It may seem like a subtle change, but it makes all the difference in how someone opens up to me and continues the conversation.

If I really want to go deeper in my relationships and better understand others, then I need to put some more thought into how I phrase my questions.

Proverbs 20:5 says, “A person’s thoughts are like water in a deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out” (GNT).

There’s one phrase that can make me a master listener: “Tell me more.” I’ll need to use it over and over again as I interact with all kinds of people throughout my life. 

When people open up to me, don’t let them stop after two or three sentences. When they finish, say, “Tell me more.” Then, after they’ve talked a few more minutes: “Tell me more.” Then, just when they think you’re done listening: “Tell me more.”

Every time I ask for more, I'm going deeper and allowing them to express more of themselves.

I may tell people that I really care about what they have to say, but the best way to show them is to ask for more. It tells them I'm interested. It proves I'm paying attention. And attention is love! Asking open-ended questions shows people I'm willing to give them my time, focus, and love so they can be heard and understood.

Draw deep from the well. Doing so doesn’t just improve my listening skills and conversations. It also transforms my relationships.

In summary:

Proverbs 20:5 provides a profound psychological metaphor, likening human thoughts to the deep, still waters of a well that require intentional effort to access. It asserts that true insight is not found in speaking, but in the skillful "drawing out" of another person's inner world through strategic, open-ended questioning. By replacing closed-ended "yes/no" inquiries with expansive prompts and the recurring phrase "tell me more," a listener moves beyond superficial facts to the heart of the matter. This discipline of active listening functions as a tangible expression of love, demonstrating that giving someone one's full attention is one of the highest forms of relational investment.

Bottom Line:

Relational depth is achieved not by the brilliance of your statements, but by the intentionality of my questions.

Next steps:

In my next significant conversation, practice the "Three-Sentence Rule": once the other person finishes a thought, resist the urge to share a similar story about myself and instead use the phrase, "That’s interesting; tell me more about that," to reach a deeper layer of the "well."

Relational Resilience through Humility - Hear the Hurt Behind the Words

"Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude." 1 Peter 3:8 (NLT)

What people say in a conversation is not nearly as important as what they are feeling. Many times, someone is saying one thing and feeling another.

If I'm going to be a great listener, then I need to look past people’s words, even when what they're saying is offensive. Hurt people hurt people, and words are an effective weapon. When people lash out or get defensive, it’s often because they're afraid, insecure, or frustrated.   

Once I recognize that, it becomes much easier to focus on listening to what they’re really trying to say. It’s much harder to be sympathetic when I think they’re being unkind just because they’re spiteful or mean.

Words don’t always give me the whole picture. I need to look for the open nerve. I have to look at what the person has experienced. I have to ask why this issue may be a big deal to them. I listen for the pain, understanding that sometimes the pain doesn't have anything to do with me. Some pain is so deep it clouds every interaction someone has. The words may just be a mask for pain.

Learning to listen with love means looking past the things people are saying to what they might be feeling.

"Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude" (1 Peter 3:8 NLT).

When I'm humble, I'm open to new ideas. When I'm loving and sympathetic, I don't bite back. If people get angry with me, I know to look past their anger and ask, “What are they afraid of? What are they anxious or fearful about? What has hurt them?”

I won’t always know people well enough to understand exactly what’s pressing on their nerves. I may not be able to figure out what’s going on with their emotions. When that happens, I just have to give them the benefit of the doubt. I have to choose humility and kindness over getting the last word. I have to give people grace instead of getting even or making my point.

Even when faced with harsh words, a great listener always chooses love.

In summary:

In 1 Peter 3:8, the Apostle Peter outlines a blueprint for relational harmony rooted in sympathy, brotherly love, and humility. This passage serves as a foundation for "listening with love," a practice that requires looking past the surface level of offensive or defensive language to identify the underlying emotional pain. True biblical listening recognizes that "hurt people hurt people" and shifts the focus from winning an argument to addressing the "open nerve" of fear, insecurity, or frustration in others. By adopting a posture of humility, a believer chooses to offer grace and the benefit of the doubt rather than reacting to harsh words with equal force.

Bottom Line:

Masterful listening requires looking past the mask of words to address the heart of the speaker’s pain with humble grace.

Next Step:

In my next difficult or tense conversation, consciously pause for three seconds before responding to a perceived slight; use that silence to ask myself, "What unstated fear or pain might be driving these words?" and respond to that need rather than the offense.

The Discipline of the Listening Ear, Listen Before You Fix

“The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness and disgrace for him." Proverbs 18:13 (CSB)

One of the problems with us is that we like to fix things. When we see a problem, we want to quickly jump to how we can solve it so we can move on. But God wants me to be a feeler before a fixer. He wants me to feel someone’s pain before I try to solve the problem.

“The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness and disgrace for him" (Proverbs 18:13 CSB).         

I may be barely into a conversation before I think, "I know how to fix this." But that's not loving. People don't care what I know until they know that I care. They want to feel heard. They want to feel loved. They want to feel understood.

There is healing in sharing. My ear is a healing tool God can use if I'll learn to listen without trying to fix anything.

In John 11, when Jesus heard that his friend Lazarus was sick, he delayed and took three days to travel what should have taken less than a day. By the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus had died. His sisters were grieving and told Jesus that if he had come sooner, Lazarus would not have died.

Jesus’ delay might seem callous, but he had a plan: He didn’t want to heal Lazarus. He wanted to raise him from the dead to show that he, Jesus, was the Son of God. He already knew the solution before Lazarus even got sick.  

"Jesus saw her weeping, and he saw how the people with her were weeping also; his heart was touched, and he was deeply moved. ‘Where have you buried him?’ he asked them. ‘Come and see, Lord,’ they answered. Jesus wept” (John 11:33-35 GNT).    

Jesus was not unconcerned about their pain. When he saw everybody around him grieving, he mirrored it. He entered into it. Jesus knew the solution, but it didn’t keep him from sharing their grief. He shared their feelings, not his solution.

I may know the solution to someone’s problem, but I need to hold off. If I'm going to be a great listener, I've got to listen to their feelings and enter into their pain.

In summary:

Proverbs 18:13 and the narrative of Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus (John 11) converge to highlight the spiritual necessity of empathetic listening over immediate problem-solving. While human nature often drives us to "fix" situations to alleviate discomfort, true biblical wisdom prioritizes understanding and shared presence. Even Christ, who possessed the ultimate sovereign solution to death, chose to engage in communal grief and emotional resonance before exercising His power. This approach establishes that ministry and personal growth are rooted in the "ministry of presence," where the listener honors the dignity of the sufferer by validating their pain before offering a prescription.

Bottom Line:

Effective ministry requires the discipline to prioritize the heart of the person over the mechanics of the problem.

Next Step:

In your next three significant conversations, consciously implement a "pause-before-prescription" rule: do not offer a solution or a "fix" until you have verbally mirrored the other person's emotion and received confirmation that they feel understood.

Redefining Success

“For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.” Colossians 2:9-10 (NLT)

Most people have no idea what success really is. Some people think it means you make a lot of money. But you can make a ton of money and be an absolute failure. Some people think it means being famous. But you can be famous and totally miss the point of life. So what is real success?

The Bible says real success is being who God made me to be. It means I'm not trying to be somebody else or what my parents wanted me to be. I’ll only find real success when I spend my life as the person God created me to be.   

If I try to be somebody else in life, I am absolutely going to fail, because I can't be anybody but me. Be who God made me to be. Be who I am in Christ.

“For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority” (Colossians 2:9-10 NLT).

God came to earth in human form two thousand years ago so I could be made complete in Christ. That means I have everything I need through Jesus’ authority and power.                               

If I look around, I'm going to notice that I may not have the same gifts, talents, or opportunities as other people. That can be frustrating if I think success means being somebody else.

But when I understand that a successful life is being who God made me to be, then I will be amazed at the things God will do through me!

I lack nothing to be a success in life, because success is being me. In other words, being successful in life means I am being myself, the person God made me to be. Don’t get hung up on what other people think about me. Instead, focus on my audience of one: God.

God shaped me and equipped me and, in Christ, has given me everything I need to be successful. In fact, “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3 NIV).

In summary:

Colossians 2:9-10 establishes the theological foundation for human identity: because the totality of the divine nature dwells in Christ, those united to Him possess a derived completeness that requires no external supplementation. The accompanying notes argue that "success" is frequently misdefined by secular metrics of wealth or fame, which often lead to ontological failure. True success is redefined as the alignment of one’s life with their God-given design and the rejection of comparative living. By acknowledging Christ’s supreme authority and the sufficiency provided through Him, an individual is freed from the pressure of performance and empowered to operate within their unique, divinely-appointed purpose.

Bottom Line:

Real success is not the acquisition of external status, but the courageous realization of my specific identity in Christ.

Next Steps:

Identify one area where I am currently performing to meet the expectations of others or mimicking someone else's path. Consciously pivot that energy toward a task or habit that aligns strictly with my unique spiritual gifts and the "audience of one" principle.

I Can’t Stop God from Loving Me

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

The Bible says in Ephesians 1 that, before he laid down the earth’s foundations, God chose me. But he didn’t just choose me. He set his love on me. He made the world because he loves me and wanted a place for his family.

I'm not only chosen. I'm loved.  

Before the earth was created, God settled on me as the focus of his love. I may rarely be focused on God. But God is focused on me all the time. In fact, God can focus on everybody at the same time. Why? Because he’s God.

At every moment of my life, God is focused on me. He sees every high, every low, every good moment, every bad moment, every mountain, every valley, every joy, and every tear. God made me to love me, and he will never stop loving me. 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39 NIV).     

I can’t be separated from God's love for two reasons: It’s eternal, and it’s unconditional. God never says, “I love you if . . .” He doesn't say, “I love you because . . .” God says, “I love you . . . period.” God gives me an eternal, unconditional love because God is love.    

God's love for me is not based on what I do but on who he is. It's not based on my performance. It's based on his character. I can spend my whole life trying to make God stop loving me, but I will fail.

There is nothing I can do to make God love me less. And there’s nothing I can do to make God love me more. He loved me enough to create me and set his focus on me. He loved me enough to want to be with me forever, despite my sin against him. He loved me enough to send his Son to save me from my sin.

I'll never find greater love.

In summary:

Romans 8:38-39 serves as the theological climax of Paul’s discourse on the believer’s security, asserting that God’s love is an immutable force that transcends every dimensional, spiritual, and temporal boundary. This passage, paired with the doctrine of election in Ephesians 1, establishes that the believer’s value is rooted in God’s prehistoric intent rather than human performance. Because this love is based entirely on the unchanging character of God rather than the volatile behavior of the individual, it functions as an unbreakable covenant. The primary message is one of absolute spiritual security: your identity as a beloved child of God was settled before creation and is sustained by Christ’s finished work, rendering it immune to any external or internal threat.

Bottom line:

My security in God is not maintained by my grip on Him, but by His relentless, performance-independent hold on me.

Next Steps:

Whenever I feel the urge to "earn" God’s favor through productivity or hide from Him due to failure, consciously pause and recite the reality that His focus on me is based on His character, not my conduct; then, proceed with my responsibilities from a position of rest rather than a quest for validation.

Living with Divine Purpose

“In the same way that you gave me a mission in the world, I give them a mission in the world.” John 17:18 (MSG)

As a follower of Jesus Christ, God has given me a mission in this world. I'm not here just to take up space; I'm not here just to strive after my own personal goals.

I have an assignment from God himself. Once I'm in God’s family, my life changes. I have a new reason for living. My life isn’t about me anymore; it’s about God’s mission. 

God’s mission for me fits into his mission for all of history. God created everything in the universe because he wanted a family. He didn’t need earth. He didn’t need the other planets. He didn’t need the stars. He created all of it because he knew some of the people he created would willingly choose to be part of his family.

The mission that God first gave Jesus he now gives to the body of Christ—the church. Once you know Jesus, I need to go tell my friends and family about him! But I can’t stop there. God has never made anyone he doesn’t want saved. He loves everyone—across the entire globe.

God wants you to live out his mission everywhere: in my family, my community, and the world. His mission for my life is both global and local. The Bible says, “Now the Lord says to me, ‘It isn’t enough for you to be merely my servant. You must do more than lead back survivors from the tribes of Israel. I have placed you here as a light for other nations; you must take my saving power to everyone on earth’” (Isaiah 49:6 CEV).

That’s God’s plan for the world. That’s his mission for me. He wants everyone on earth to know him. And he wants to use me to make that happen.

God’s words in Isaiah aren’t just for missionaries or pastors. If I'm in his family, he gave his mission to me!

In summary:

In John 17:18 and Isaiah 49:6, the narrative of the believer’s life shifts from self-centered ambition to a divinely appointed mandate. This passage emphasizes that once an individual enters God’s family, their existence is no longer incidental but intentional, serving as a continuation of Christ’s own mission on earth. The scope of this assignment is both local and global; it is not a specialized calling for a few, but a universal requirement for all who follow Him. Ultimately, the purpose of human history is the expansion of God’s family, and the believer is the primary vehicle through which His light and saving power reach the rest of the world.

Bottom Line:

My life is a strategic deployment by God to expand His family through the active demonstration and declaration of His grace.

Next Steps:

Identify one specific "community" I currently occupy (e.g., your workplace, a neighborhood group, or a specific family circle) and commit to one intentional act of service this week that reflects God’s character, followed by an open-ended question to someone in that circle about their own spiritual journey.

The Motivation Behind Obeying God

“You are my friends if you do what I command.” John 15:14 (NLT)

Jesus said in John 15:14, “You are my friends if you do what I command” (NLT). 

I can’t say I love Jesus and then go live like the devil. I can’t say I'm a Christian and then keep living a self-centered life. I can’t say I'm a follower of Jesus and then pick and choose the verses that I want to listen to and ignore the ones I don’t. Jesus says I'm his friend if I obey him and his commandments.

Why do Christians obey God? Nonbelievers get this wrong all the time. They say, “I don’t want to be a Christian, because I don’t want to obey God. You believers obey him out of guilt or fear or obligation, and I don’t want that for my life.”

But why do I really obey God? Because he loves me! He wants the best for me. He loves me like nobody else will ever love me.

The Bible says the only reason there’s love in the world is because God is love. I don’t obey God out of fear or guilt or obligation. I obey God out of love—because he loved me and saved me.

The difference: Jesus changed my want to.”

Jesus said, “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. . . . When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” (John 15:9-11 NLT).

God doesn’t want me to obey him because I'm afraid of him. He doesn’t want me to obey him because I'm scared of punishment. God wants me to obey him because of love. It’s his love that leads to true joy.

In summary:

In John 15, Jesus redefines the relationship between the Creator and the believer from one of distant servitude to intimate friendship. This transition is not characterized by a lack of boundaries, but rather by a shared mission and a transformed will. True friendship with Christ is validated through obedience—not as a means to earn His affection, but as a natural response to having already received it. By abiding in His love and following His commands, I move away from a life of obligation and into a state of "overflowing joy," where the motivation for righteous living is rooted in a grateful heart rather than a fear of retribution.

Bottom Line:

Obedience is not a heavy burden of external compliance, but a joyful response to a relationship defined by God’s prior and perfect love.

Next Steps:

Identify one area of my life where I am currently resisting God's commands or following them out of begrudging obligation. Shift my focus from the "rule" to the "Ruler" by reflecting on how His love specifically addresses that area, and choose to take one step of obedience today as an intentional act of friendship rather than a chore of religion